Chapter Fourteen: The Funny Things People Say and Do...

My entire life I've walked funny and have had funny looking legs due to a birth defect.  I'm no stranger to being made fun of, called names, or just being stared at.  Once on a date, the "gentleman" I was with suggested I get calf implants so my legs wouldn't look so funny.  Since losing my leg I've found people still say the funniest things to me, but they're less mean about my handicap and more curious, I mean having a leg made out of carbon fiber is pretty cool.  

About four months after my amputation I was visiting Yellowstone park with a friend, and a young boy ran up to me and yelled, "where is your skin?" referring to my prosthetic leg.   I didn't really know how to explain to a young child that my leg had been cut off.  Lucky for me his mother came along and whisked him away frantically.

I was sent home from the hospital only three days after losing my leg; I was shocked that I was going home that soon, but the recovery process is a freaking long one, so my therapists came to my home, and after about six months I went to them.  I'll never forget the first time my mom and I had to drive back to the University of Utah for a check up.  After visiting my surgeon, who really just admired how beautiful he stitched my leg, my mom and I went to Trolley Square for lunch at The Old Spaghetti Factory, 'cause that's what you do when you're near Trolley Square, duh.  I was in a wheelchair at that time and the flooring in Trolley Square is cobble stone, need I say more?  Let's just say the bumpy ride, with a freshly cut off leg and crazed nerves was less than enjoyable.  But the funniest part of our visit wasn't the bumpy ride, it was our experience using the restroom!  I always have a fun time in public restrooms; I could write a whole book about public restrooms, and the things people say. . .  Anyway, the doorway to the restroom had a step, and we were novice wheelchair users, so my wheelchair kept getting stuck on this stupid step, not to mention the door was really heavy!  My mom and I were having the hardest time holding the heavy door open, and getting my wheelchair through the door into this rather small restroom, (my wheelchair wouldn't even fit in the stall, I can't even talk about it!).  I'm pretty sure this was the moment I decided I was going to get of that wheelchair as fast as I could, bring on the prosthetic leg!  Two older women saw us struggling and came up to us to offer help.  One of the ladies grabbed my chair, hoisted me backward and pushed me over the step like a champ, she then proceeded to teach us the proper way to maneuver a wheelchair over bumps and sharp turns.  This story sounds a little sad and pathetic, but honestly, my mom and I were laughing so hard, and we were very grateful to the two ladies willing to help us out. 


Several stranger children have referred to my leg as a "robot" leg.

My sweet niece Sharill asked me when my leg was going to grow back.

About two months after receiving my prosthetic leg I was in a grocery store picking up treats to take with a group of friends up the canyon; we were on our way to the gun range.  At the time I was using forearm crutches along with my prosthetic, all part of the learning how to walk again process. I was training my brain that while when taking a step my left foot hits the ground, my right foot - the prosthetic foot - hits the ground at my knee 'cause that's where the feeling begins.  So until my brain learned what was going on, I used crutches.  I turned the corner to head down an isle and a women stopped me, her eyes wide open, and her jaw literally dropped.  By the way she was looking at me, I thought maybe this woman knew me, but I didn't recognize her.  She started to tear up, I said, "I'm sorry do I know you"?  She asked, "How long ago did you lose your leg"?  I said, "about four months ago".  She then grabbed me with both arms and gave me the hugest hug, and said, "You're doing so well, I thought you needed to hear that, you're doing so well".  Before losing my leg, my sarcastic rude self would have thought, this lady is kind of crazy, but at that moment, she was right, I needed to hear that I was doing well, and the hug was nice too.

I've found when dealing with noticeable and even awkward looking life changes, it's best to have fun, and even tease people a bit....
 

Halloween 2008

Halloween 2008 was so much fun!  After scaring the kids going to my sisters house for candy, my friend Eric took me to meet his friend and his friend's wife, I forget their names now.  The man was a gentleman and came to my side of the truck to open the door for me.  I quickly turned towards him and gently kicked my plastic fake leg so it would fall out of the truck on the ground (see bloody fake leg in the picture above), and my stump was just hanging there, the man screamed and jumped back out of fright!  Poor guy, he was so confused and then he felt bad for reacting how he did, all I could do was laugh.  

People may say and do funny things about my leg, but once in a while I say and do funny things about my leg too, so we're even I guess. 

I hope everyone is having a good week so far!

XOXO

Happy Birthday Millee!

Six years ago today my life changed in the most abrupt and not-according-to-plan way:  We lost our sweet daughter.  If Millee were here she would be the most spoiled, sweet, and pretty little thing running around Texas, I know it.  Joseph and I were just talking about how she and Diego would be good friends, D needs a sister buddy.

I became a better person because of Millee.  

I hope I can always make her proud to be my daughter.

  

Happy birthday Millee!

###

Read Millee's birth story HERE.

With a Grateful Heart

I haven't been trying to ignore my blogging this week; I've just been trying not to ignore other things in my life.  Sometimes I do find it hard to juggle everything I want to do, should do, and have to do; don't we all?  Yesterday my husband and I stayed away from our studio as much as possible so we could actually enjoy the holiday together.  Cooking a big Thanksgiving meal isn't easy work, but we sure did enjoy ourselves cooking together, and talking while Christmas music played in the background.

We didn't set a specific time to eat dinner; we just cooked and ate when everything was ready; it was so nice to relax, and just enjoy the day.  I am grateful for days like these, and cherish every one I can steal.

Of course, cooking a big Thanksgiving meal promises great leftovers!

I hope you all enjoyed your holiday with loved ones!

XOXO

Chapter Eleven: Life after my Amputation

I shared why my leg was amputated on J&J Chronicles a couple years ago HERE.  And I've wrote about a few learning experiences about being an amputee HERE and HERE; even my husband shared his thoughts about life with an amputee wife HERE.
  
Many people know me, or have read my story and commented on how strong and brave I was; I truly am grateful for those compliments.  But what some may not know is that the bravery and strength come after the amputation.  There is so much that I miss about my life before my amputation, at times I feel guilty for taking those days of somewhat easy mobility for granted.  There are days when the little changes that individually seem like nothing, but summed as a whole, overwhelm me.  I miss wearing jeans or pants in general, I miss all the wonderful shoes I owned before my amputation, I miss having two feet the same size, I miss mountain biking, and the ability to walk up to a river and decide to stroll through it if I wanted.  

The day after my amputation, May 4,2008.

Life after my amputation is the challenge and will be the challenge for the rest of my life; some days I'm okay with that, and some days I'm just tired.  Some days it takes all I've got to get out of bed and put on my leg, and some days, I don't get out of bed and prefer to not even acknowledge my prosthetic.

I've learned that real bravery and strength are tested and applied after the amputation.  This philosophy is true with any challenge we face isn't it?  People talk about the event that caused the chain reaction that changes their lives forever, but the they rarely talk about what happens after that event.  Most put on a happy face in public and go home and flounder in sorrow alone.  After losing a loved one, losing a limb, losing a dear friend, being diagnosed with an incurable decease, or even having our hearts broken from time to time; how does one find strength after these kinds of life changing events? 

Some mock blogging as an online journal, as if sharing ones life is wrong or stupid, and imply that personal events should be kept private in a journal stuffed under a mattress.  The word blog is short for Web Log, so it is safe to say blogs are in fact online journals.  Before computers and the internet people kept journals for their posterity, to document genealogies, to write about life as it was happening to them; and thank goodness!  Today people still keep these kinds of records; which is important.  But in the world of blogging we have an opportunity to share our lives and special experiences with the world, or those who read our blogs.  I blog to share my experiences, not to show off and not for attention; but for the purpose of offering support to others who may need that extra bit of strength to get out of bed in the morning.
    

My beautiful legs.

In my opinion it's not enough to just go on living after a life altering event, it's more important to go on happy and positive, with an attitude of progression and moving forward.  It's important to acknowledge the hard days, but focus on the good days - in fact magnify those good days.  Pretending you're not hurting is an uncertain and lonely road.  We can progress much faster and healthier with support from others; letting people in to help you is brave.  I know it's scary and you may feel vulnerable when you admit you need help, and don't have a clue about what you're doing, but as soon as you open up, people always step in to help, and there is your strength! 

What "amputation" are you dealing with?
How do you find strength and bravery?

###

Don't miss a post!

Like Millee-Margaret Facebook page HERE!

Chapter Eight: The Anual Hunt for Dead Plants!

My mom is pretty crazy, but in a good way.  If any of you have ever spent time with Marg you know what I'm talking about.  Yes, I call my mom Marg; I always have and I don't really know why.

Me and Marg last year at Thanksgiving

The Marg I know likes to have fun, stays up late, listens to her music loud, and puts the term, "shop til you drop" to shame!  The funniest thing about my mom is she thinks she's old, but does my previous sentence about my her describe an old women?   I think not!

The seasons have changed and Fall is here, my favorite time of year.  Growing up we lived maybe two miles from the mouth of the Ogden canyon  My mom and I would go on long drives through the canyons near our home to collect weeds and dying fall colored plants.  We'd blast K.T. Oslin or Billy Dean, sing at the top of our lungs, keeping one eye on the road and the other on the look-out for any cool looking dried plant.  We'd pull over when we'd spot some, cut them down, and take them home.  We used our plants to make beautiful arrangements to display on our front porch.  We did this for years!  To this day whenever I'm driving and spot a random but pretty plant, I think to myself, "that would make a great display".

I miss our long drives Marg!  I love you!      

Chapter Six: Millee's Story

Millee Margaret is my daughter who passed away while I was giving birth to her.  I feel it's fitting to share her story since this blog is named after her.  I didn't get to raise her, but giving birth to her changed my life forever.  The day after my office Christmas party, about mid December in 2007, I went to a routine check up with an ultra sound.  Without sharing all the medical gory details I found out I was in labor and getting ready to have a baby.  Because I was only about 22 weeks along I was admitted to the hospital in Ogden Utah, then later sent to the University of Utah's labor and delivery unit in Salt Lake City.  I was considered high risk and because of a specific surgery I had when I was young, I couldn't have a caesarean.  I had to have her naturally, but I don't have hip sockets either; a body part women need to give birth.  Our goal was to give birth between 26 - 32 weeks.  After 26 weeks her lungs would be stronger and under 32 weeks she'd be small enough for me to give birth naturally. 

I spent most of my nights laying upside down, gravity was on our side in this situation, and I was flat on my back for about four weeks.  The morning I went into labor I was 26 weeks along to the day, and I was alone in my hospital room in utter panic when I realized my water had broken.  I called the nurse and was rushed to labor and delivery.  I'd been on pills to stop labor so during birth my cervix closed and wrapped around Millee's neck and she was stuck.  I was then put on medicine that causes labor, but the process took too much time to start working.

I think those 30-40 minutes waiting to go back into labor were the longest minutes of my life; I knew as each minute passed, my sweet baby was passing too.  That night my Uncle Rex drove to the hospital to pick up my baby and took her to the mortuary in South Ogden.  The next day my mom and dad took me home.  Millee was born January 3, 2008; she is buried in Washington Heights Memorial Cemetery in Ogden Utah.

Millee was named after a night nurse I had while I was in the hospital.  I was having such a hard time thinking of a girl name, and I wanted to wait to meet her before I decided on a name; but I had to have a few in mind.  I had a night nurse, who was from Russia that came to check Millee's heart beat every night, and she was the one nurse that stayed for a bit and talked to me.  I loved listening to her talk with her thick Russian accent.  To be honest, her accent was so think I often had a hard time understanding her.  The fact that she would take some time to hang out with me helped me through some lonely nights.  Margaret is my mother, and I knew my baby was in some way going to be named after my mom; we've shared so much together and I knew my mom would be a big part of Millee's life.  I wanted Millee to know who she was named after personally.

I still remember the panic I felt when I found out I was going to have a baby.  I remember the rejection I felt when Millee's father told me he didn't want to be involved in our lives.  I remember even more panic I felt when I found out I was having a girl; the thought of raising a girl in this crazy world frightened me.  I still feel guilty every day because of losing her; I always wonder if there was something I could have done better. Most of all I remember the strength, faith, and love I felt being pregnant with her and planning a great future for us.

Millee was strong, beautiful, and loved to listen to Shania Twain; every time I played Shania's music, Millee would dance in my tummy.  Well, she either loved Shania Twain and danced, or she was trying to tell me to turn off the music by kicking me in the ribs.

I will always be grateful for all of the support I received from my dear family, friends, and co-workers!  Our family Christmas Eve party was spent in my hospital room that year.  It was actually fun; we ate pizza, opened presents, played games, and visited.  I had several visits from friends and co-workers, but it was also a very snowy and cold winter; I spent a lot of days and nights alone due to snowy weather and bad road conditions.

I don't think I'll ever truly get over losing my daughter, but the experience of having her taught me so much about myself and for that I have to be grateful.

###

        

Chapter One: Introductions

Hi!  My name is Jill Adams; I live in northern Texas with husband, Mini Schnauzer, and two Russian Blue cats.  My husband and I moved to Texas from Utah about four months ago to start our own business and make a new life for ourselves. The experience has been quite the ride so far and we're just getting started!  But, this blog isn't about that; this blog is a personal, even vulnerable blog about my journey in defining myself.

I've been blogging over four years and still do blog J&J Chronicles HERE, but I felt it was time to start a new project.  I've been wanting to start this blog for months and I have to tell you, this blog isn't what I had originally planned it to be.  I'd been thinking a lot about the content and subject matter, and this has turned into a project; more like a journey or experiment and this blog is the platform.  I'm an inward thinker; I'm always thinking about who I am as a person, what are my skills and talents, what makes me happy, and all those big huge questions everyone of us think about but might feel foolish to talk about out loud.  We all love those wonderful profound thoughts from the great writers and poets, and I swear the most common thing shared on Pinterest are deep and inspiring thoughts and quotes in bold print with funky fonts, but have we ever stopped to think what happened before those deep thoughts were coined?

The first thing you have to do when starting a blog is name it.  I started thinking about experiences in my life that have helped shape who I am right now, good and bad.  This train of thought brought me to think about all of the people in my life that have influenced me, and there are so many people.  I can't say that I am who I am because of me alone.  Sure, I'd like to think that all of my own choices and beliefs have defined me:  I'm a republican, I believe in choice not chance, I believe in hard work not hand outs, I believe forging my own path not living by luck alone, blah, blah, blah.  While thinking about this blog, I realized I can't take the conservative route on this journey; too many people and experiences have shaped who I am today.

Because of Joseph I'm free to start this journey.  I'm confident that with his support and knowing that because of his love for me, I can begin this experiment.  I thought naming my blog Joseph Adams or Most Wonderful Husband in the World would be odd, and this blog isn't about him specifically.  However, Joseph and I have made creativity and innovation so much of our lifestyle, and I am so thankful for him and his influence.  I chose to call my blog Millee Margaret, it's a sweet name isn't it?  It's the name I chose for my daughter.  My experience of losing her started my first real experience of self reflection.  Margaret is my mom, and who doesn't have mother issues now days?  Don't worry mom, this isn't going to be that kind of blog; dishing about things I wish my mother would have done differently when I was a child.  But, mothers do play a huge, gigantic role in shaping their children;  I have to address my mother in this blog.  I'm sure I'll reflect on other family members and friends I've met along the way, and even some animals.  I also write poems and am going to bring back "high/low"!  (More on high/low later.)

So here it is:  Millee Margaret, a tribute blog for my daughter and a journey about finding and defining myself through creativity, faith, and reflection.  I hope by sharing what I'm experiencing now and what I have experienced in my past will somehow help or inspire others.  I hope you will feel free to share your experiences with me; I am always inspired by others. 

Joseph illustrated this picture for my blog header.  

I love it, It represents Millee perfectly! 

###   

     Don't miss a post, "like" Millee-Margaret Facebook page HERE!
Follow me on Instagram HERE!